Going Through to Get Over: Denial

I've been thinking of doing a playlist series based on the 5 stages of grief for a little over a year now. Grief is something everyone will experience at some point in their life, and it will be unique not just to every person, but every different experience that person encounters. The "5 Stages of Grief" were developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and are an outline of what most people experience in a period of mourning, whether over a death or another type of loss. They don't always happen in order, and they don't always stop after a certain point, but understanding what they are and how they effect you and others around you can be a helpful tool in the healing journey. This week, we'll start with what is most commonly associated as Step 1: denial.

The denial phase is usually marked by a temporary refusal to accept the reality of the situation. Initial shock, disbelief, numbness, avoidance, distraction, detatchment, and mental reframing are all ways the brain tries to protect us from the loss, whatever it might be, to try to help us process what happened before fully confronting the situtaion. This phase doesn't always come first, and it can absoltely be repeated, but it is a necessary and normal part of the grieving process. Of course if it's prolonged, interferes with daily life, or gets out of control, seeking help from a license professional and the support of your family and friends is absolutely imperative.

Keith From Grief (a Big Mouth character voiced masterfully by Henry Winkler and the inspiration for our graphic shown above) says this about grief in such a beautiful way: "You have to go through to get over." I've collected songs about the denial stage both that I feel are fitting in different ways as well as getting suggestions from other sources, and these next seven songs are a sampling of that list that just really hit me for this topic this week.

Even When It Hurts (Praise Song) by Hillsong UNITED & TAYA (written by J. Houston)

Originally featured on UNITED's 2015 album Empires and featuring vocals from worship leader Taya Gaukrodger, this worship song can be such a comfort in times of grief and periods of denial. Even in the midst of our pain and confusion, God is good and mighty and victorious, so we can and should praise Him even when we feel lost in the dark.

Take this fainted heart/Take these tainted hands/Wash me in Your love/Come like grace again/Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise You/Even when I have no song, I’ll praise You/Even when it’s hard to find the words, louder then I’ll sing Your praise/I will only sing Your praise

Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson (written by K. Clarkson, L. Gottwald, K. Sandberg)

Originally featured on Clarkson's 2003 album Breakaway, this song was a super important part of my first serious friendship breakup, which was one of the earliest grieving periods I can recognize in my own life. Even at 13 years old, I clung to this song because the lyrics felt like they were talking directly to me and describing the feelings I was having so much trouble navigating at that young age.

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me/I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong/Your arms around me tight, everything, it felt so right/Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong/Now I can’t breathe, no, I can’t sleep/I’m barely hanging on/Here I am, once again, I’m torn into pieces/Can’t deny it, can’t pretend, just thought you were the one/Broken up deep inside, but you won’t get to see the tears I cry/Behind these hazel eyes

Dead Flowers by Miranda Lambert (written by M. Lambert)

Originally featured on Lambert's 2009 album Revolution, this song shows denial from two points of view in this dying relationship: the partner who won't/can't acknowledge that anything's wrong and the narrator who's basically become numb from the pain. I've liked this song more and more the older I've gotten because it's so much more complex than it seems at the beginning.

I feel like the flowers in this vase/He just brought ‘em home one day, "Ain’t they beautiful," he said/They’ve been here in the kitchen and the water’s turning grey/They’re sitting in the vase, but now they’re dead, dead flowers/I feel like this long string of lights/They lit up our whole house on Christmas Day/But now it’s January and the bulbs have all burned out/But still, they hang like dead flowers/He ain’t feeling anything/My love, my hurt, or the sting of this pain/I’m living in a hurricane/All he can say is, "Man, ain’t it such a nice day," yeah, yeah

drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo (written by O. Rodrigo, D. Nigro)

Originally featured on Rodrigo's 2021 album SOUR, this song does a good job of showing grief from the eyes of someone so young. Sure, its target demographic is a much younger crowd, since Rodrigo was a teenager writing (allegedly) about her personal experience, but it's honestly a really good song.

I got my driver’s license last week, just like we always talked about/‘Cause you were so excited for me to finally drive up to your house/But today I drove through the suburbs/Crying ‘cause you weren’t around/And you’re probably with that blonde girl who always made me doubt/She’s so much older than me, she’s everything I’m insecure about/Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs/‘Cause how could I ever love someone else/And I know we weren’t perfect, but I’ve never felt this way for no one/And I just can’t imagine how you could be so okay now that I’m gone/Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me/‘Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Ain't How It Ends by Post Malone (written by L. Bell, R. Vojtasek, A. Post, E. Smith, A. Gorley, J. Reeves)

Originally featured on Posty's 2024 album F-1 Trillion (Long Bed), this is a decent example of denial as it relates to the loss of a romantic relationship. The narrator goes over all the ways that they could work things out and get back together, but instead decides that since "country music wrote the rules," the breakup must be definite.

Ain’t it a shame, girl, that we almost had it all/Now there’s no other way, girl, that’s just the way love goes/‘Cause Waylon, Willie, Jones, and Whitley, they made all the rules/So I’ll just have me one more whiskey right here on this stool/Baby, I could put the bottle down, you could say you wanna come back home/I could leave this bar right now, you could meet me at the door with nothing on/We can find a way to work this out, aw, but girl, it would feel so wrong/No coming back ‘cause, baby, that ain’t how it ends in a country song/Ain’t how it ends in a country song/Ain’t how it ends

Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts (written by C. Lagerberg, C. Sligh)

Originally featured on Rascal Flatts's 2009 album Unstoppable, this song functions just fine on its own as a breakup song, with the narrator just in shock that this is ending so abruptly. Add in the element of the song's music video, which shows a woman coming to terms with the death of her father and her son, and it's a whole new level of devastating.

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road/And it’s not like her to drive that slow, nothing’s on the radio/Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell/She usuually comes right in, now I can tell/Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time/Here comes the start of every sleepless night, the first of every tear I’m gonna cry/Here comes the pain, here comes me wishing things had never changed and she was right here in my arms tonight/But here comes goodbye

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart by Taylor Swift (written by T. Swift, J. Antonoff)

Originally featured on Swift's 2024 album The Tortured Poets Department, this song comes directly from the "patroness" of this series, since Taylor released her own Stages of Grief playlists to promote the release of this album. This song is favorite of many Swifties from the TTPD Era despite (or maybe even due to) the poppy, bright, colorful melody and beat over some truly heartbreaking lyrics.

I can read your mind/"She’s having the time of her life/There in her glittering prime, the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night"/I can show you lies/‘Cause I’m a real tough kid, I can handle my shit/They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it," and I did/"Lights, camera, bitch, smile even when you want to die"/He said he’d love me all his life/But that life was too short, breaking down, I hit the floor/All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, "More"/I was grinning like I’m winning, I was hitting my marks/‘Cause I can do it with a broken heart/I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday every day/I’m so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague/I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it’s an art/You know you’re good when you can even do it with a broken heart

There's some lighter songs on this heavier post to be sure, but know that my heart goes with you if you're in the middle of a grieving season. Happy listening, and see ya'll next week!