Going Through to Get Over: Bargaining

The midway point of our Grief Series is Step 3, the Bargaining Stage. As a refresher, the 5 Stages of Grief were developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and are an outline of what most people experience in a period of mourning, typically due to a death or another type of loss. They don't necessarily happen in a specific order, and there's no set time limit per stage, but understanding what they are and how they effect you and the others around you is a helpful tool in the healing journey.

The bargaining phase is a complicated one, full of negotiations with yourself, others, or a higher power to undo or take back the loss that's been experienced and is usually accompanied by guilt and the most dangerous game of all: "What if?" Asking what you could've done differently to prevent the outcome, desire for control, making of promises or deals (usually to a higher power), and senses of personal responsibility are some of the ways the brain tries to process the chaos that comes with the grief and the feeling that you've lost control. This phase doesn't always come third, and it can be repeated, but it is a necessary and normal part of the grieving process just like denial and anger are. If bargaining is prolonged, interferes with daily life, or gets out of control, seeking help from a licensed professional and the support of your family and friends is absolutely necessary.

As we've learned from Keith From Grief, "You have to go through to get over." I've collected songs about the bargaining stage both that I feel are fitting in different ways as well as getting suggestions from other sources, and these seven songs are a sampling of that list that felt like good fits.

Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God) by Kate Bush (written by K. Bush)

Originally featured on Bush's 1985 album Hounds of Love, this song is a perfect example of bargaining, particularly with higher power. For those of us who are entrenched in Stranger Things, we've been able to see this song apply to grief in multiple forms.

It doesn’t hurt me, yeah, yeah, no/Do you wanna feel how it feels, yeah, yeah, yo/Do you wanna know, know that it doesn’t hurt me, yeah, yeah, yo/Do you wanna hear about the deal that I’m making, yeah, yeah, yo/You/It's you and me/And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God/And I’d get Him to swap our places/Be running up that road, be running up that hill/Be running up that building, say if I only could, oh, ooh

Joanne by Lady Gaga (written by M. Ronson, S. Germanotta)

Originally featured on Gaga's 2016 album Joanne, this song draws inspiration from her own personal journey of grieving her beloved aunt. It's a beautiful, sweet, simple song that breaks your heart but can also help you heal.

If you could, I know that you’d stay/We both know things don’t work that way/I promised I wouldn’t say goodbye/So I grin and my voice gets thin/Girl, where do you think you’re going/Where do you think you’re going, going, girl/Girl, where do you think you’re going/Where do you think you’re going, going, girl

Promises by Maverick City Music & Naomi Raine ft. Joe L Barnes (written by C. Gaines, K. Alvarado, L. Marin, A. Moses, D. Bowe)

Originally featured on Maverick City's 2020 live album Maverick City Music, Vol. 3, Pt. 1 with vocals from worship leaders Joe L Barnes & Naomi Raine, this worship song reminds us that in every outcome, God is right beside us. He is steadfast and steady, worthy of all our trust and faith, even when we don't understand our circumstances.

God of Abraham, You’re the God of covenant and of faithful promises/Time and time again, You have proven You’ll do just what You said/Though the storms may come and the winds may blow, I’ll remain steadfast/And let my heart learn when You speak a word, it will come to pass/Great is Your faithfulness to me/Great is Your faithfulness to me/From the rising sun to the setting same, I will praise Your name/Great is Your faithfulness to me

Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan & Lizzy McAlpine (written by T. Clark, N. Kahan)

Released as a single in 2023, the duet version of this beautiful song hits me in the gut every time I hear it. Both sides of the conversation in this song are scary, scary places to be in, and if you find yourself here please don't hesitate to reach out and ask for help from your loved ones.

Oh, you’re spiraling again/The moment right before it ends, you’re most afraid of/But don’t you cancel any plans/‘Cause I won’t let you get the chance to never make them/Stayed on the line with you the entire night/’Til you let it out and let it in/Don’t let this darkness fool you, all lights turned off can be turned on/I’ll drive, I’ll drive all night, I’ll call your mom/Oh, dear, don’t be discouraged, I’ve been exactly where you are/I’ll drive, I’ll drive all night, I’ll call your mom/I’ll call your mom

Dear August by P.J. Harding & Noah Cyrus (written by N. Cyrus, P. Harding)

Released as a single in 2021, this song became a favorite from the first minute I heard it. Bargaining with time is a definite thing that can happen while you grieve.

Slowly, why’s the morning come so slowly/When I got no one to hold me through the dark/Patient, they tell me that love is patient/But it never wants to wait on my drunk heart/So I take all of my, all of my, all of my wasted love/And turn it into wine, into wine, into wine in my cup, oh/Dear August, tell me that there’s light/At the end of all this starless night/Dear August, please don’t let me fall/‘Cause I don’t know where this road is headed anymore

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol (written by G. Lightbody, N. Connolly, P. Wilson, T. Simpson, J. Quinn)

Originally featured on Snow Patrol's 2005 album Eyes Open, this song has been a favorite of mine since middle school. If you've ever seen what is arguably one of the best episodes of Grey's Anatomy of all time, you know exactly why this is here.

We’ll do it all, everything/On our own/We don’t need anything/Or anyone/If I lay here, if I just lay here/Would you lie with me and just forget the world

peace by Taylor Swift (written by T. Swift, A. Dessner)

Originally featured on Swift's 2020 album folklore, this entry from our Grief Playlist Patron (it's been addressed in the other posts too if there's confusion) deals with grieving something before it's ended. The "what ifs" are strong here, with lots of guilt for feeling like the narrator is the cause of the other person's distress whether it's true or not.

Our coming of age has come and gone, suddenly, this summer, it’s clear/I never had the courage of my convictions as long as danger is near/And I’d just around the corner, darling, 'cause it lives in me/No, I could never give you peace/But I’m a fire and I’ll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade, ocean wave blues come/All these people think love’s for show, but I would die for you in secret/The devil’s in the details, but you’ve got a friend in me/Would it be enough if I could never give you peace

Whether you're going through a grieving journey currently or not, I hope you found some peace from this list. Happy listening, and see ya'll next week!